A few years ago, the solid ground on which i believed i was standing, shattered. I didn’t knew anymore what was real and what was fantasy. A frantic search for understanding begun, but more importantly, it was a search for meaning, a search for filling the hole i felt in my chest, a search for love.
One day i was crying uncontrollably in my car, driving back from work, thinking that i can not live this life anymore, but feeling completely trapped, in an unfulfilling job, in an unhappy marriage, living a fake life, feeling fake myself and wanting to run away from it all.
At the same time, i was spending all my free time trying to make sense of it all, reading and researching on all topics that had to do with the nature of existence, from philosophy to physics, to psychology, from aliens to conspiracy theories to channeling to spirituality to psychedelics.
I felt i had a better mental understanding of the world i was living in, but at the same time, that hole, that emptiness i felt inside myself was still there. Covering it up with addictions was not working anymore, not when i knew , theoretically at least at that point, that there is something else out there, a different way of being, a different way of feeling, a different way of thinking.
That led me to the point of this story, my first visit to Sinchi Runa for a 3 week long Ayahuasca retreat. This was happening about 4 years ago, in Autumn, in Portugal.
I still remember my first Ayahuasca ceremony, which was and still is, the most intense, the most unbelievable, the most beautiful experience i ever had in this life. I remember the disbelief, i could not believe that such a thing was possible.
I was crying tears of joy the entire time. I remember after it was finished, i was thinking, if i would have to give everything i own to have this experience, i would do it and it would be worth it.
That first experience and that place i was in, that place of love and acceptance felt more real than anything in this life, more than this, it felt familiar, it felt like i was there before, it felt like home.
Over the years i found that place again, it’s always accessible, by opening my heart, so i want to thank Master Sanango for giving me the tool to do that, that tool being sound, mantras, icaros, music that raises my frequency and connects me to divinity and to my own divinity.
Thank you also, Master Sanango, for everything you do during the ceremonies, for showing us the path with the chanting, for the beautiful smells, for your care of each of us when we are having a hard time. Multumesc Master Sanango.
After that first experience there were many others, during the 3 retreats i had at Sinchi Runa, some were beautiful, some were funny, some were hard to go through, but they were always useful and always what i needed.
Ayahuasca will always show me where the trouble is and how to fix it, but it will not fix it for me, that i had and i have to do myself.
It is hard, painful sometimes, frustrating some others, having to face my fears, to start being truthful to myself, to keep my word to myself, to quit my addictions one by one, to stop judging people, to stop worrying about anything and everything.
It is hard, but the payoff is unbelievable, to be at peace, to see the beauty and the love that is all around, to cry of joy, to feel that emptiness being slowly filled with love, love for everyone and for everything, to be silently aware. Silence is happiness.
Lastly i would like to thank all of you there who were my teachers.
Thank you Arjuna, the statue :), it was a joy chanting with you, thank you for the socks, they kept me warm, even though i put them through war, they acquired some holes :). I hope you will get to see India soon, i think you will love it there.
Thank you Madhava, you were my teacher through your actions, you gave us what we needed, according to our behavior, i had this thought, Kambo is the price we have to pay for Ayahuasca :). Thank you for the beautiful homa fire and for your energy, your presence always makes me smile.
Thank you Ananda, thank you for the discomfort, you helped me learn a very important lesson, the one about chasing pleasure and running away from pain. They are the two faces of the same coin. Thank you for the silence.
To end this, thank all of you at Sinchi Runa, you are family.
Multumesc